Tuesday, October 1, 2019

DO YOU KNOW SOMEONE LIKE THIS?

Shockingly in the United States alone, there are approximately 12 million incidences of domestic violence, but only about 3 million are actually reported.  Sometimes it's physical, but more often than not, it's verbal. But that doesn't mean it should be minimized.


Someone you know is being abused. He or she has been hiding horrible bruises, and pretending that those consistent broken bones and black eyes come from falls or other accidents.  One of your friends has been spit on, smacked, kicked or had food thrown at them for no reason. Your cousin or sister is being gaslighted every single day, now doubting her own sanity.  She has to beg for money to get shampoo or hygiene items. Her daily state of mind is in constant turmoil hoping that the name calling, lies and verbal degradation will be minimal just for one day.

As a Social Media follower, I can't tell you how often I see complaints from people telling a person they are stupid for not leaving, or that they need to fight back.  The words, "she or he deserved it" are endless.  Someone reading this right now is smirking, blowing me off or hitting the unfollow button.  Someone out there still doesn't get it.


We see it happening with sports stars, actors/actresses, entertainers, newscasters, business owners, lawyers, plumbers, cashiers, teachers and more. They are poor or rich, purple or green, gay, transgender or heterosexual, old or young.  Domestic violence and sexual assault are crimes that don't discriminate and specific type of individual.


There are many people who have tried to leave, never to be heard from or seen again.We see it on the news all the time.  Some simply don't have the money, or are afraid to have their kids living on the streets.  A few are embarrassed, and some lack the self esteem, hoping that things will change.
Many, many years ago before joining the Air Force I visited a friend in South Carolina who was married to a Marine.  At first, he seemed like this really fantastic guy, but soon I noticed *Cathy with bruises on her arms that she explained away.  Next were two black eyes and told me she walked into a door.  Two months after having a baby, he broke her arm, and I was horrified, but I can't say that I really understood about the dangers of domestic violence and what it meant back then. 

Fearing for her safety and that of her baby, we worked out a plan to get all the money we could so she could leave while he was at work, and they caught a bus back to Connecticut.  She made it out safely, but so many don't.


At first, he'll tell you he's sorry - maybe.  Eventually, it will become second nature while you live in fear. It's almost 2020, yet many still consider abuse to be a silent crime.  Even worse, people either don't believe it exists, or still find ways to blame the victim!

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO
Lundy Bancroft brilliantly focuses on the mind of the abusive man, in his book  "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men"  which has recently been re-released and he shares that there are actually 10 types of abusive personalities, ( I didn't include the 10th) I was stunned.  Take a look at this information, and ask yourself - "Who am I living with?"  Do you see your partner on this list or someone else you know?

The Demand Man - There's nothing wrong with being old-fashioned, but this type of abuser believes it's your job to take care of him, 24/7.  You have no right to ask him to do anything, including cleaning up after himself - in fact, it may make him angry enough to verbally or physically assault you in retaliation. If he is unhappy about anything, it is clearly your fault.
The Mr. Right Man - knows everything and refuses to listen to any of your opinions, ridiculing you and your lack of intelligence.  When he speaks to or about you, he insults your lack of sense, belittling you whenever possible.  Worse, he's an expert on everything about your life and how you should live it to please him.  If you foolishly disagree with his expertise on anything, you're mistreating him.

The Water Torturer -  cleverly attacks his partner without ever raising his voice or showing anger, but he uses subtle, consistent sarcasm and cruel remarks to wear you down. He twists your words in public to discredit you.  He never yells, but emotionally attacks you until during an argument, and you end up yelling or crying while he laughingly calls you irrational and crazy.  No matter how mean he is to you, there's nothing you can do. Sadly, his friends and family don't understand and take his side.



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Mr. Sensitive - seems like your knight in shining armor - warm, sensitive and willing to hug at a moment's notice.  Unfortunately, if you ever say something to hurt his feelings, you'll never hear the end of it, wanting you to apologize over, and over and again. Soon, it seems if as if you're saying the wrong thing all the time, making him feel bad.  However, if he says something to hurt your feelings, he says, "it's no big deal. get over it".  Soon, he'll blame you for everything wrong in his life and out of sight of others, becomes mean or intimidating.  In fact, he finds joy in trying to get inside your head and wants you to feel joy that he's not like all those other men who are abusive.

The Player - is normally exceptionally attractive, and may be a bad boy.  At face value, he may be the man we read about in a romance novel and fall madly in love with.  When you and he first connect, he makes you feel like the most special woman in the world and feel grateful to know him.  As time goes on, however, you notice that his eyes start to wander while you're out in public and he is blatantly disrespectful as he flirts with other women.  Rumors start to get back to you that he is interacting with women using inappropriate sexual conversations, asking them out to lunch or outright cheating. 



Because he plays each woman against the other, they end up hating each other rather than him.  His flirting and cheating allow him to get away with other types of mistreatment such as lying, callous treatment and verbal put downs, particularly when he is caught.  Beware of the gaslighting.

The Rambo - aggressive with everyone, this man intimidates,creating fear and definitely has no patience for weakness.  He doesn't believe in compassion and can be extremely abusive both verbally and physically. However, during the beginning of the relationship he appears to be caring and protective, making most women swoon.  This doesn't last because he really has no respect for women in general.  His job is to keep you in line.

The Victim - this man is very self-centered and believes that everyone should feel sorry for all the things he has been through.  Every relationship he's been in, he's been abused and taken advantage of.  He is treated unfairly at work, by friends he trusted and even you.  You have abused him so badly that he has to give it back to you so you know how it feels. In his mind he has been hurt so badly that he should get away with anything including the abuse.

The Terrorist - is very controlling and demanding, often threatening and enjoying his ability to cause pain.  Seeing you in fear brings him joy. You can't have any independence, and he will use many tactics to stop you from leaving.  Living with this type of man is extremely traumatic and dangerous, as you live in constant fear of your safety. If you do get away, this man may be likely to stalk you.


No matter who you live with, there is never a reason to be abused, and it's definitely NOT your fault.  Abuse is about the constant need to control and manipulate another person and if you're thinking the behavior will change, it may never happen.




Your abuser will gaslight you until you question your own sanity.  He or she will lie to everyone about you, making it difficult for you to tell your story.  But never forget - the truth will always be the truth, even when no one believes you.

Call The National Domestic Violence Hotline  1−800−799−7233 or visit https://www.domesticshelters.org/

International Help - Call 1-800-737-732 or visit  https://www.1800respect.org.au

International Help - Call 0808 2000 247 or visit http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

South Africa - Call 0800-150-150, or visit http://lifelinesa.co.za/

Assaulted Women's Hotline:  Offers help 24/7 in over 200 languages. Visit http://www.awhl.org or Call 1-866-863-0511











63 comments:

  1. An important post, RO. Thank you for spreading this knowledge!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks so much Debra. I appreciate you! Hugs, RO

      Delete
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  2. Goodness! This makes for upsetting and very
    sad reading..! :(.
    And..we have the same problems over here in the
    UK..Just recently figures have shown, that the
    victims of abuse, or any other personal crime,
    have dropped quite substantially..
    AND..Just yesterday, the government announced,
    that criminals in future will serve at least
    two thirds of their sentences..
    IT'S~A~JOKE..A life sentence in the UK is 15yrs..
    I think it's 25 in Australia and Canada..Though that
    may have changed..Why use the word..LIFE..if it does'nt
    mean what it says..AND..One thing l do admire with the
    American sentences is that for serious crimes, the result
    is long..very long..and you use the 'consecutive' over
    here it's more 'concurrent', taking multiple crimes under
    one sentence..The crime system over here is weak and
    gutless...
    People who come forward after domestic abuse or violence,
    don't get the help from police or anyone linked to the police,
    and it's charitable institutions..who step forward to help...
    It's a system that comes up for debate all the time..
    Is it of any help..? We ALL know the answer to that...! :(.

    Finally..I want to make this statement..As a Sicilian...
    Premeditated Murder, Rapists and Peodophiles should face
    the death penalty...! "Nuff Said"

    RO..so pleased you put the pussy~cat at the end there...
    Cheered me up a bit..I'll put my soap~box away until the
    next time..God Bless!x

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    1. Hey There Willie, and hope all is well! Had no clue that the sentencing for crimes was so different there, and thanks so much for sharing that. Any crime is rough to hear about, but those done to defenseless children is particularly horrific. I find that the faces of animals soothes me too, Wonderful Willie. Hugs, RO

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  3. ooops! Sorry..at the top l meant to say that
    victims 'reporting' abuse have dropped quite
    substantially..! Thankyou!

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    1. And..What a coincidence..just this minute on
      our early morning over here..the government,
      are to pass a 'BILL' to make it easier for
      victims of domestic violence, to report it,
      and to get immediate help with their problem..
      Though various charities have stated..this does'nt
      go far enough..we'll have to see..!

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    2. That's interesting that crimes are being reported less. I'm thrilled about that bill making it easier for victims to report crimes of domestic violence for sure. Hugs, RO

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  4. good and sad post Ro. I hope it helps others who so desperately need this.

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    1. This is a topic that is so near and dear to me Peggy, and I hope it makes a difference in just one person's life. Thanks a bunch for popping in and hope you and Rick have an awesome weekend! RO

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  5. This makes me so sad, humans can be so evil. AT least I do understand that leaving is hard, many do not understand that like you say

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    1. I agree, it saddens me that this still happens every single day, and yes the leaving can be so difficult. Hope your weekend is a good one! Hugs, RO

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  6. Thank you for sharing this post. It is so important! I was a victim of domestic 22 years ago. I stayed because I thought I was doing it for our daughter, she needed her father. And out of fear. Whatbshe needed was a stable home. Leaving is harder than people think, but I finally had enough and left with our daughter. Not too long after I met my now husband and we've been married for 20 years now. He has raised her like his own with our children together. I hope and pray that my girls never go through this. And my heart goes out to those are dealing with it right now.

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    1. I hate that you went through such a nightmare, and can just imagine the suffering you experienced, and it's good to know that you and your kiddies are safe. Your story of survival is powerful, and thank goodness you found a man who loves and treats you as the queen you are. Your girls already have the best motivator very near and handy to guide them. I hope your weekend is amazing, and thanks again for sharing your story or survival. Hugs, RO

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  7. Oh my gosh! -sigh- A post that needs to be circulated. Those of us, who are not in such relationships, are blessed. But have to know, that many are.

    Thank you for putting this post, out there.

    If only girls/women will watch for these signs, ahead of time! People are people. There are signs there, which too many women ignore. They console them selves with: "They will change." Total bull-shit!

    -sigh-

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    1. Thanks so very much! You're right - so many are truly suffering. True, if we see the signs and run that would be great, but so often that doesn't happen. Hope your day is amazing! Hugs, RO

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  8. My brother is going through a messy divorce right now and I didn't know his wife had been hitting him. He didn't tell anyone until he left her but he took pictures of the bruises and kept them to show later on.

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    1. I'm so very sorry that your brother has been going through such a nightmare, and am so thankful that was able to get out of that relationship. I imagine it was rough for him to share what was going on, but I'm thrilled that he has exposed her nonsense. Hugs, RO

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  9. It is far too common over here as well. It is mostly men who are the perpetrators, but not always. And is always wrong. So very wrong. Calls from people who have been affected by this scourge are among the hardest I take on the crisis line.

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    1. I've seen some of the stats from over there, which got me to thinking that I should list numbers from other countries too. I'm so glad that I have a kindred spirit, and thank you for taking time to volunteer and make differences in the lives of so many. Hugs, RO

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  10. I'm glad you keep sharing information about this. It can take many attempts to get out of that situation.

    I've helped friends, sometimes repeatedly, get out only to see them go back but you just have to be there for them and hope they have the tools & support system to get out safely.

    My SIL is in an abusive relationship. We don't think he hits her but is verbally abusive and throws things but the whole time they were dating the family kept bowing to him and trying to placate him whenever he was angry. Blaming my SIL. We kept telling them but no one would listen.

    Now that they're married and have kids everyone hates him and wants her to get out and it's only isolating her more. It's such a difficult situation that can take YEARS to get out of.

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    1. I know that it makes some people angry, but I agree, we need to talk about it, and hopefully it can make a difference. You're right, on average, most leave on average 7 times before finally making the break, and lots of friends become so frustrated and want to give up trying to help. You're right, all you can do is offer to support and be there when they're ready. I hate that SIL is in this horrible nightmare, and pray that she can get out. Thank goodness she has you and other family members who are there and ready to help. That can make all the difference in the world, Karen. Sending some hugs your way that this works out. RO

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  11. There really isn't any excuse for that kind of behavior. The Dad witnessed it only one, he saw some dude smacking his wife around. The Dad beat the crap out of him and we understand he never did it again. Later the wife got the courage to leave him.

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    1. Thank goodness The Dad was there to help that poor woman, and I'm doing the Happy Dance that she was able to get away safely. Champions like The Dad should be commended, and I'm sending lots and lots of hugs and thanks for his courage and diligence. RO

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  12. Well shared, this is such an important post.

    Love the gif … so sweet.

    All the best Jan

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    1. Thanks a bunch Jan. I love my cats(lol) Hugs, RO

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  13. Just popped back to wish you a great October :)

    All the best Jan

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    1. Happy, Happy October to you as well, with lots of hugs! RO

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  14. It is very interesting to read of the types of abuse. Physical abuse can be obvious. Mental abuse, often not that obvious to anyone else.

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    1. So very true, Andrew, and so sad. Hugs, RO

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  15. I am SO sorry it has taken me so long to visit. I'm having a terrible time with my internet. I called ATT (my internet provider) three times today and they told me it might be my modem. However, after I got frustrated enough to threaten to go elsewhere, I was suddenly back online.

    I guess you know how I feel about this. I get in the abuser's face, even putting myself in danger at times. I just can't help it. If I see abuse of any form, I won't let the abuser get away with it. Even verbal abuse has to be called out. You are brave doing this and I am glad you share these stories of abuse every so often. Please know I would stand behind your words and stand beside you in "battle." Hope you have a super week, dear friend.

    BTW, I'm one of the lucky ones. I've yet to be abused. OK, I admit when I comb Squiggles fur too long, he attacks me, but somehow I doubt that counts.

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    1. I totally know what it feels like to have no Internet, and it's the pits, so I hate that you're having to suffer through it. What a nightmare! Abusers are all about control, and they try to make sure it continues to remain a silent crime. I'm glad you're not afraid to confront it, but you're right, it can be scary. We need more champions like you out there, and I'm so thrilled for your support. I'm so happy that you've never had to go through this. Isn't fun how our fur babies are really in charge of the house and don't mind letting us know when let us know when they feel they look beautiful enough.(lol) Hugs, RO

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  16. This is such an important post. Thanks so much for sharing it.

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    1. Thanks a bunch for your support Suzanne! Hugs, RO

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  17. As you know I grew up in an abusive home. My mother abused all of us. I knew nothing else and therefore assumed it was the norm. People don't understand that.

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    1. I hate that you had to go through all that you did, and it always amazes me that you continue to have such a fabulous and fun spirit, despite the pain you suffered. Hugs, RO

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  18. There are so many forms of domestic violence and the same things happen all over the world. So sad. Valerie

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    1. I agree Valerie, and it continues to frustrate me that so many go through the suffering. Hugs, RO

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  19. Thank you for this very important post Ro!!!! It's all so sad!!!
    Big Hugs my friend! Sending you lots of love!

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    1. I appreciate your support, and sending lots of hugs right back to you! RO

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  20. Thank you so much for writing about this topic, RO. It's not an easy read but it's so important. I just had this conversation with one of my kids about a family member. The family member shared about their past abusive relationship which I was witness to and my child wanted to more about it and wondered why the family member didn't just leave at the time. I had to explain that it wasn't always an easy thing to do. Walking away sounds so simple until you're faced with the decision.

    Elsie

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    1. Thank goodness you were there to to offer sound advice about domestic violence and why many don't leave. So many just don't understand. I'm absolutely thrilled that your family member was able to get out of that relationship! Hugs and hope that you are well! RO

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  21. With there being so many stories like this out there, I'm amazed that we can even propagate the species. Women take a tremendous risk any time they accept a man into their lives. Is it really that hard for guys not to be dicks?

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    1. It saddens me that so many people think it's okay to go through life abusing others either verbally,physically, or sexually and thinking that it's okay, and for many it continues to be a silent crime that we may never even hear about. I just wish there was some way this type of treatment could be miraculously eradicated. Hugs, RO

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  22. Great post! Yes, those women mostly are made to feel like they are not worth speaking out, not worth getting help. I hate it. I have never been there, but then again I am one of those people that would take a frying pan and knock the jerk upside the head!! Once in my early 20s my ex now, threw back his fist like he was going to hit me and although he had never done that before I stood my ground and told him to go ahead. I said, "go ahead and hit me and you will kiss my ass goodbye as it goes out the door cause you will not see it again"!!! It never happened again either. He was not an abusive guy but something was off that one day. Course with some guys that being off one day can lead to other days. My daughter dealt with that for a bit in her first marriage which surprised me cause like me she normally would not stand things. Anyway, I stood between her and him one day as he to threw back a fist and came towards me....I did not back up, I stepped to him. I knew that my daughter would drop charges on him and I knew I would not. I did not want him to hit me but I had to show him I was not afraid. His issues only came out when he was drinking. So ....there is no telling the triggers but I applaud any woman that walks.

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    1. Sadly abuse is all about control, and this is one of the main reasons that male abusers don't go after other men, who will of course go toe to toe with them. You standing up to the abusers took away some of their control, so they left you alone. Still drinking just masks the true character of the person, and again is about control, and he'll try to keep telling others that all is well when not drinking, which just isn't the case. But the addiction needed to be treated first and foremost. I'm glad you got away from the guy when you were in your 20's and I'm beyond thrilled that she got away from her first husband, and know it took a load off your mind knowing she was safe. I'm so happy that you stopped by, and hope yoru day is great over in TN. Hugs, RO

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  23. Needs saying, over and over, and I am glad you put yourself out there once again to say it and provide the resources. You're a hero, Radiant Ro!

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    1. I think that lots of people probably want to hit me over the head or throw a bucket of water at me(lol), and I'm definitely no hero, but I've got to keep going there for sure. We have to take away the power of control from the abuser by not remaining silent. Sure hope your day is fabulous! I'm off to finish off another Get My S... Challenge!(lol)

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  24. I would like to say that I don't, but as we all know, sometimes, the victims are pro at hiding their bruises and pains. Which is heartbreaking in itself. This post made me tear up.

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    1. It's true, many have become experts at hiding their hurts until it's too late and we see them on the news. It's a very sad situation for sure Joy. Hugs, RO

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  25. Thank you for sharing. So many people deal with different types of abuse and it's just heartbreaking that they can't leave, or don't see why they SHOULD leave. It's not the victim's fault, but people often blame them.

    -Lauren
    www.shootingstarsmag.net

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    1. So true. I was just reading an article this morning about a tweet from a pastor's wife who said all women should be meek and submissive and to not do anything that will trigger a violent episode. Say what? Twitter went crazy, and the bloggers started typing. Hope that you are feeling much better these days. I know it's been rough. Hugs, RO

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    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  28. My wife left me and went on vacation with her ex-lover and for the past four months I have not heard or seen her. I never knew I would experience such a heartbeat from my wife after 12 years of marriage with 3 children. My manager at work noticed that I could no longer concentrate on my workstation as I used to. He offered me a chat to discuss with him and I told him what I was going through. After I explained to my boss, he replied to Lord Osasu , who is a stake collection. I joined Lord Osasu on his WhatsApp line on +2347064365391 after talking to my boss and he told me that my situation will be resolved within 24 hours with his powerful spell form. I followed all his instructions and I believed and had faith in him. He prepared a love spell for me that got my wife back within 24 hours and now we both have lived well more than we used to. I don't know if anyone out here needs help but here is Lord Osasu WhatsApp line +2347064365391 email is: drosasu25@gmail.com if you need help in your love life.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Hello, my name is RITA CARMEN and I have been trying to get pregnant for over 12 years. i have been looking for ways online for so long, I first did Depo Provera Shot which i consecutively took every three months in order to get pregnant or fertile, but there was no way from it. I did Depo shot for 3 years constantly until my Doctors in Australia told me to try IVF because I had Endometriosis stage 4 and I resulted to try IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). For months after my IVF no progressed and my situation became worse that my husband had already had plans or getting married to another woman because I was barren. I read a testimony about Prophet Abulele how he had helped so many women with pregnancy problems and also how he usually casts return spells to bring back partner and make one fertile. Of all options tried, I gave Prophet Abulele a try. I am now a mother of a baby boy. For over 13 years of my marriage I received my help from this spell caster. I want to impact on someone's life and make the person get help from a good spell caster. Prophet Abulele's email is:- prophetabulelehealingtemple@gmail.com and his WhatsApp is +2349022406159 once you contact him, he will help you fast.

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  30. l never thought that there will be a miracle on the internet until i came in contact with DR OSOFO, finally i made it with his help, with his spiritual power which was recommended by a lady in baby center he help before, i never believe it was real until i confirm it now because i have tried so many things to make sure i get pregnant but no luck, immediately i contact him. he did some spiritual prayers and send me a medicine which i took, i got pregnant three weeks after, and i now have a son to show. thank you so much priest and i recommend DR OSOFO for everyone out there that is willing to have a child of  her own out there. contact him for help too he is real and powerful, i have confirmed it, contact  him on email: (osofo.48hoursolutioncenter@gmail.com )Whats App him on +2349065749952  

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  31. l never thought that there will be a miracle on the internet until i came in contact with DR OSOFO, finally i made it with his help, with his spiritual power which was recommended by a lady in baby center he help before, i never believe it was real until i confirm it now because i have tried so many things to make sure i get pregnant but no luck, immediately i contact him. he did some spiritual prayers and send me a medicine which i took, i got pregnant three weeks after, and i now have a son to show. thank you so much priest and i recommend DR OSOFO for everyone out there that is willing to have a child of  her own out there. contact him for help too he is real and powerful, i have confirmed it, contact  him on email: (osofo.48hoursolutioncenter@gmail.com )Whats App him on +2349065749952  

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  33. Herpes Cure TestimonyI was diagnose with Genital Herpes for the past 2 years and I have been searching for cure. I have several outbreaks on my back and it really affected me morally, I read a testimony on this platform of a lady from Nevada who was cured from Diabetes with doctor Ahmed Usman Herbal medicine including the doctor official email address. I contacted the doctor through his email, after much discussion and few questions he prepared the Herbal medicine and asked for my address which I received the Herbal medicine 3 days later and with his prescription I drank the Herbal medicine for 21 days. After concluding the herbal medicine I went for test and my IgG result was confirmed Negative with no trace of the virus on my blood. Contact doctor Ahmed and be cured his email;
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