Monday, June 5, 2017

NINE TYPES OF ABUSERS - Who are you living with?


Periodically, I talk about domestic violence on this blog, which is not pretty or glamorous.  Sadly, it affects people we know, work or shop with.  Sometimes it's physical, but more often than not, it can also be verbal. 

At first, he'll tell you he's sorry - maybe.  Eventually, it will become second nature while you live in fear. It's 2017, yet many still consider abuse to be a silent crime.

Lundy Bancroft brilliantly focuses on the mind of the abusive man, in his book  "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" and when he shares that there are actually 10 types of abusive personalities,
( I didn't include the 10th) I was stunned.  Take a look at this information, and ask yourself - "Who am I living with?"  Do you see your partner on this list?

The Demand Man - There's nothing wrong with being old-fashioned, but this type of abuser believes it's your job to take care of him, 24/7.  You have no right to ask him to do anything, including cleaning up after himself - in fact, it may make him angry enough to verbally or physically assault you in retaliation. If he is unhappy about anything, it is clearly your fault.


The Mr. Right Man - knows everything and refuses to listen to any of your opinions, ridiculing you and your lack of intelligence.  When he speaks to or about you, he insults your lack of sense, belittling you whenever possible.  Worse, he's an expert on everything about your life and how you should live it to please him.  If you foolishly disagree with his expertise on anything, you're mistreating him.


The Water Torturer -  cleverly attacks his partner without ever raising his voice or showing anger, but he uses subtle, consistent sarcasm and cruel remarks to wear you down. He twists your words in public to discredit you.  He never yells, but emotionally attacks you until during an argument, and you end up yelling or crying while he laughingly calls you irrational and crazy.  No matter how mean he is to you, there's nothing you can do. Sadly, his friends and family don't understand and take his side.
 

The Drill Sergeant - this man is extremely controlling, getting the password to voicemail and listening to messages, criticizing the clothing you wear,  or checking up on you at work.  This is the jealous one, who will frequently accuse you of cheating.  This man may escalate from verbal assault to physical violence, and because he has his thumb on your life, makes it difficult to get away.  He believes that you don't need to have anyone in your life and absolutely abhors the thought of you having any type of independence.


Mr. Sensitive - seems like your knight in shining armor - warm, sensitive and willing to hug at a moment's notice.  Unfortunately, if you ever say something to hurt his feelings, you'll never hear the end of it, wanting you to apologize over, and over and again. Soon, it seems if as if you're saying the wrong thing all the time, making him feel bad.  However, if he says something to hurt your feelings, he says, "it's no big deal. get over it".  Soon, he'll blame you for everything wrong in his life and out of sight of others, becomes mean or intimidating.  In fact, he finds joy in trying to get inside your head and wants you to feel joy that he's not like all those other men who are abusive.


The Player - is normally exceptionally attractive, and may be a bad boy.  At face value, he may be the man we read about in a romance novel and fall madly in love with.  When you and he first connect, he makes you feel like the most special woman in the world and feel grateful to know him.  As time goes on, however, you notice that his eyes start to wander while you're out in public and he is blatantly disrespectful as he flirts with other women.  Rumors start to get back to you that he is interacting with women using inappropriate sexual conversations, asking them out to lunch or outright cheating.  Because he plays each woman against the other, they end up hating each other rather than him.  His flirting and cheating allow him to get away with other types of mistreatment such as lying, callous treatment and verbal put downs, particularly when he is caught.  Beware of the gaslighting.


The Rambo - aggressive with everyone, this man intimidates,creating fear and definitely has no patience for weakness.  He doesn't believe in compassion and can be extremely abusive both verbally and physically. However, during the beginning of the relationship he appears to be caring and protective, making most women swoon.  This doesn't last because he really has no respect for women in general.  His job is to keep you in line.


The Victim - this man is very self-centered and believes that everyone should feel sorry for all the things he has been through.  Every relationship he's been in, he's been abused and taken advantage of.  He is treated unfairly at work, by friends he trusted and even you.  You have abused him so badly that he has to give it back to you so you know how it feels. In his mind he has been hurt so badly that he should get away with anything including the abuse.


The Terrorist - is very controlling and demanding, often threatening and enjoying his ability to cause pain.  Seeing you in fear brings him joy. You can't have any independence, and he will use many tactics to stop you from leaving.  Living with this type of man is extremely traumatic and dangerous, as you live in constant fear of your safety. If you do get away, this man may be likely to stalk you.


No matter who you live with, there is never a reason to be abused, and it's definitely NOT your fault.  Abuse is about the constant need to control and manipulate you.


When you safely can, seek help from someone you trust such as a pastor or neighbor or friend.  You deserve the best life has to offer.








32 comments:

  1. Not a pretty topic, but this is a great resource. Easy, clear indicators that can be understood by anyone.

    Thanks, Ro! Big hugs back!

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    1. The things I've seen, heard and read about are frightening, but I still end up having debates with people who don't understand about abuse. Crazy!

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  2. Definitely not. I was trying to help a Facebook friend last night who is dating someone with narcissistic personality disorder. She doesn't see his "hot and cold" behavior as a red flag...I did my best to try to convince her that this is NOT going to get better if they end up together. She's pretty stubborn, though. It's been more than a year and she's still waiting around for him.

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    1. Funny that you mention that, Steph! According to stats from Psychology Today, a narcissist is almost always without empathy, so that trait alone proves that a relationship can't work. This is a person who has no conscious about abuse, being unfaithful or remaining honest. The sad part is they are great actors and like to keep a person confused and off their game, making someone THINK it will get better. You were right on point when you warned her that it will not. Thank goodness she has you as a friend, and I pray she does end it, safely. Hugs...

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  3. Hi RO, I just happened upon your blog and must say I am surprised that I'm still alive after reading all of the types of abusers since my first husband (I call him my first MISTAKE) did every one of those things in our 23 years together. It was like every two weeks his personality changed then changed back. I finally smartened up after our 2 children were grown and kicked him to the curb. He was definitely a narcissist, for sure.
    I've been with my 2nd husband (first real MARRIAGE) now for 20 years and he's still the same wonderful man I met after freeing myself from my 1st mistake. Trust me, it was difficult to believe this guy could be so kind, and loving at first. I waited for the worm to turn but he never did. Whew! This guy is genuine.
    Thank GOD there are some still out there. I hope other women find your blog and listen.
    Regards,
    Carol

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    1. Hey There Carol, it's a joy to meet you! Praise God! I'm so thrilled to hear your success story, and glad you didn't give up on love despite the heartache and turmoil. I know it was a struggle, AND by the way, you were always smart! Like most of us, we want want to believe the best about people we fall in love with, and hope things will change. To find a man who loves you unconditionally is so wonderful to hear about. I love a happily ever after, and thank you so much for your kind words. Be blessed, and thank you for stopping by! Hugs...RO

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  4. An insightful post indeed, thanks for sharing and warm greetings!

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    1. Hey Blogoratti! I'm so happy to hear from you and thank you so much for stopping by! I pray that more people understand the plight of abuse. I hope you continue to inspire us with your wonderful blog because we miss you! Hugs...

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  5. Thankfully I got away from an abusive guy and have been with Ken for almost 27 years. It's sad to think of anyone living in a bad situation.

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    1. Mary, I can't tell you how much I admire you because you've been through so much, and you continue to show your strength. I'm thrilled that you've found a happily ever after, just like in our romance novels. You deserve to be happy! Hugs...

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  6. Good for you for keeping this issue front and center, Ro.
    Scary stuff.

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    1. It's sad to me that so many people sweep this subject under the carpet like it means nothing. Thanks for your support Super Sandra, and I hope your day is amazing! Hugs...

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  7. Very important issue. Thank you, RO, for sharing this information.

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    1. Hey Angela, and hope all is well! Thanks so much for the support! Hugs...

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  8. It's good to raise people's awareness. Thanks for sharing this.
    #getsocial17

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    1. Thanks a bunch for stopping by Mia! It's so sad this going on. Hugs...

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  9. Kinda scary there are so many different abusive personality types. Thanks for sharing, and hopefully it helps someone realize they can do better and not live in fear.

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    1. Hey Greg! It's great to see you! I hope this can make a difference for someone, for sure. Hope your Wednesday is amazing!

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  10. Hi RO - thanks for visiting my blog. You've given us a valuable description of nine types of abuser ... sadly people don't seem to realise til it's too late ... it is good to make us all aware. It shouldn't be tolerated in society ... thanks for writing this up - Hilary

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    1. Hi Hilary and I'm so thrilled that you stopped by to say hello. You're absolutely right. We miss the signs so often until we're deeply into the relationship, for sure. Either way, abuse definitely should not be tolerated or ignored. Hugs...

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  11. Such a hard topic and I am amazed at how family and friends ignore this behavior.

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    1. That's what amazes me too, Kim. Why would a friend or even a family member try to sweep something like this under the carpet, or ignore a cry for help? Crazy!

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  12. This is a great resource - your descriptions are spot on. So important to keep bringing it to awareness.

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    1. Hey Lana! Hope you've been doing well. It's so important to keep talking about this and things change. Thanks so much for the support and hope you have a great Thursday! Hugs...

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  13. This is a 'strong' and 'concerning'...
    BUT..Why only earmark Men/Males/He's...
    There are 'FEMALE' abusers...and they
    come in 'ALL' shapes and forms...!
    And..Just as deadly! :(.

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    1. Hi Willie and thanks so much for stopping by! You're absolutely right - sadly, there are all types of abusers who are just as dangerous. In fact, I've met several. However, this particular blog gives specifics on the male abuser. It's great to receive different feedback and I really thank you for your input, and hope you come back by to visit. Hugs...

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  14. Sandra sent me.
    I volunteer on a crisis line and sadly have talked to far too many victims of this abuse. In Australia each week two people (almost always women) are killed by their partners. And the damage done to the survivors is almost immeasurable.

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    1. Thanks so very much for stopping by, and you deserve a HUGE kudos for volunteering your time to help victims of domestic violence. This statistic in Australia frightens me, because that's a high number of deaths. I agree that the damage done is something most people can never even begin to understand. I just can't thank you enough for all that you do, and the support you are giving to those in need. Hugs...

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  15. http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/domestic-violence-women-statistics-number-trebles-female-violence-against-partners-a7316481.html

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    1. Thanks again for sharing this very valuable info, Willie. I really appreciate it. Providing stats on abuse of any type is very important and I thank you so very much! Hugs...

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  16. Wow! Great read. Since being 30 years old; it has been my first experiences with covert abusers. My very first boyfriend was overt so I easily left him. They lie and manipulate then accuse you of being the liar and cheater they are. They manipulate to try to say your actions were like theirs when it was nothing of such. I'm just scared to date! I recently dated a guy who was more than 4 of those listed above, and he denied all his actions to even say it was my fault he was looking for women online. The guy right before him did the same thing. Both accused me of lying and being unfaithful. Never lied. Never cheated. Couldn't have a conversation with a male because it lead to accusations and nonstop questions. Strange how they felt it was okay!
    I definitely now see them as abusers than their ex's they claimed were! If I have okay relationships with anyone I dated, but the very last two then I know it's them. Even my very first boyfriend who tried and physically abused me realized his ways apologized and just happy I forgave him can still hold a conversation that doesn't go in any kind of inappropriate manner makes me realize their lack of maturity!

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    1. Hey There KK. Unfortunately these days narcissists and people who don't care about commitment are everywhere, and it makes it rough. But sometimes we can get clues by asking why the last relationship broke up, and what they think of their last girlfriend. Sometimes you can also get an idea if they have some controlling techniques, how they interact with other men and women, etc. If they seem accusatory about the last relationship, I'd run for the hills. Let them do most of the work, and just observe and ask lots of questions. It's hard to keep the mask on forever. Never forget that you are a beautiful queen, worthy of love, and should be treated as such. I'm so thrilled that you stopped by to say hello, and hope you keep in touch. Hugs...RO

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