Friday, July 3, 2015

CHEATING IS PART OF DOMESTIC ABUSE


I've been working on some other projects, and thought I'd re-post this with a few updates.

In addition to getting yucky feedback from strangers when it comes to topics of abuse, friends and family avidly debate with me about my views.


Did you know that cheating is also considered domestic abuse? This is because psychologists believe the pattern of abusers and cheaters can be very similar. Both groups try to justify their behavior, deny their actions, or otherwise refuse to take responsibility. The betraying partner may originally feel some short-term remorse, but really shows no concern about their partner’s feelings, therefore minimizing the behavior. Also, those who refuse to admit to the cheating, telling friends when they are questioned about their partner being delusional or crazy literally makes the situation worse.  This causes feelings of hurt, loss of self-esteem, and emotional trauma to the victim.If you review my other post - Gaslighting, this provides additional information about these specific abusive tactics and how to recognize them.


If this is happening in your world, it is NOT your fault and you are NOT alone!  I visited a Blog months ago that has become my new best friend. It's called: www.chumplady.com . In a word - WOW!  This site has its pulse on cheating and everything associated with it.  In addition, her readers are REAL people sharing pain, anger, feelings of remorse and even smiles.  If you feel as if you're all alone, and that no one feels your pain, visit her site when you can.Words of Wisdom - her blog is busy and there are a ton of comments!

Sadly, abuse runs rampant in today's society. Many have grown to accept verbal degradation or cheating by minimizing it, laughing about it or pretending it doesn't exist. In addition, seeing someone with a black eye or a broken arm/leg may cause someone to whisper, but nothing is ever really done about it. Living with someone who gradually changes into a person who is no longer the person you knew is tragic. While cheating displays no blatant visible signs, the emotional degradation  is mindblowing. Domestic abuse in any form is very real, demeaning, harmful and potentially dangerous to  you or someone you love. Please don't ignore it.

Unfortunately for me, I have zero tolerance for cheating.  I read a lot and watch a ton of movies, but if either hints at a situation where someone who is married is cheating, that movie is turned off and the book gets tossed aside.  I see it as a total betrayal to the marital vows, and lose all respect for that person.  These rigid beliefs can sometimes cause problems.




 hat being said, despite the anger, or embarrassment, or hurt, it may not be that easy to leave.  Some may want to work things out, others pack up and leave immediately, a few kick their spouse out.  Whatever decision you make - it's yours to make.  

We can offer words of encouragement and be there when needed to those who are suffering..  We also hope that victims or survivors continue to grow by becoming part of a group if it is safe to do so.  Support is the key.




3 comments:

  1. I never thought about the similarities between cheating and abuse before. Interesting, and it makes sense. I'm not sure I would completely conflate or equate the two; I suspect some people cheat but take great care that the spouse/partner doesn't find out because they don't want to "hurt" them (and don't understand that even if the partner never finds out, the relationship is still harmed.) That's not necessarily abuse. But serial cheaters who are found out, apologize, and do it again? That's scarily similar to emotional abuse, and has a similar effect on the partner. And no doubt many of them also employ other forms of emotional abuse; some throw physical abuse into the mix as well.

    Like you, I have zero tolerance for cheating, even in books and movies. Well - almost zero tolerance. There are a few books/movies where it has occurred and I have understood why, though I didn't and don't condone it. But usually my reaction is like yours, and I'll stop reading a book where a married person is cheating, unless the cheating is clearly shown to be wrong, and the MC doesn't tolerate it.

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    1. Hey There Lark and Happy 6th Blogoversary! So proud of everything you've achieved. You're right, serial cheaters are frequently narcissists who don't care about hurting other people and have a sense of entitlement. It's always great to see other viewpoints. BIG Hugs...Ro

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