DO YOU KNOW SOMEONE LIKE THIS?

Shockingly in the United States alone, there are approximately 12 million incidences of domestic violence, but only about 3 million are actually reported.  Sometimes it's physical, but more often than not, it's verbal. But that doesn't mean it should be minimized.

Someone you know is being abused. He or she has been hiding horrible bruises, and pretending that those consistent broken bones and black eyes come from falls or other accidents.  One of your friends has been spit on, smacked, kicked or had food thrown at them for no reason. Your cousin or sister is being gaslighted every single day, now doubting her own sanity.  She has to beg for money to get shampoo or hygiene items. Her daily state of mind is in constant turmoil hoping that the name calling, lies and verbal degradation will be minimal just for one day.

As a Social Media follower, I can't tell you how often I see complaints from people telling a person they are stupid for not leaving, or that they need to fight back.  The words, "she or he deserved it" are endless.  Someone reading this right now is smirking, blowing me off or hitting the unfollow button.  Someone out there still doesn't get it.

We see it happening with sports stars, actors/actresses, entertainers, newscasters, business owners, lawyers, plumbers, cashiers, teachers and more. They are poor or rich, purple or green, gay, transgender or heterosexual, old or young.  Domestic violence and sexual assault are crimes that don't discriminate and specific type of individual.

There are many people who have tried to leave, never to be heard from or seen again.We see it on the news all the time.  Some simply don't have the money, or are afraid to have their kids living on the streets.  A few are embarrassed, and some lack the self esteem, hoping that things will change.

Many, many years ago before joining the Air Force I visited a friend in South Carolina who was married to a Marine.  At first, he seemed like this really fantastic guy, but soon I noticed *Cathy with bruises on her arms that she explained away.  Next were two black eyes and told me she walked into a door.  Two months after having a baby, he broke her arm, and I was horrified, but I can't say that I really understood about the dangers of domestic violence and what it meant back then. 

Fearing for her safety and that of her baby, we worked out a plan to get all the money we could so she could leave while he was at work, and they caught a bus back to Connecticut.  She made it out safely, but so many don't.

At first, he'll tell you he's sorry - maybe.  Eventually, it will become second nature while you live in fear. It's almost 2020, yet many still consider abuse to be a silent crime.  Even worse, people either don't believe it exists, or still find ways to blame the victim!

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Lundy Bancroft brilliantly focuses on the mind of the abusive man, in his book  "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men"  which has recently been re-released and he shares that there are actually 10 types of abusive personalities, ( I didn't include the 10th) I was stunned.  Take a look at this information, and ask yourself - "Who am I living with?"  Do you see your partner on this list or someone else you know?

The Demand Man - There's nothing wrong with being old-fashioned, but this type of abuser believes it's your job to take care of him, 24/7.  You have no right to ask him to do anything, including cleaning up after himself - in fact, it may make him angry enough to verbally or physically assault you in retaliation. If he is unhappy about anything, it is clearly your fault.

The Mr. Right Man - knows everything and refuses to listen to any of your opinions, ridiculing you and your lack of intelligence.  When he speaks to or about you, he insults your lack of sense, belittling you whenever possible.  Worse, he's an expert on everything about your life and how you should live it to please him.  If you foolishly disagree with his expertise on anything, you're mistreating him.

The Water Torturer -  cleverly attacks his partner without ever raising his voice or showing anger, but he uses subtle, consistent sarcasm and cruel remarks to wear you down. He twists your words in public to discredit you.  He never yells, but emotionally attacks you until during an argument, and you end up yelling or crying while he laughingly calls you irrational and crazy.  No matter how mean he is to you, there's nothing you can do. Sadly, his friends and family don't understand and take his side.

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Mr. Sensitive - seems like your knight in shining armor - warm, sensitive and willing to hug at a moment's notice.  Unfortunately, if you ever say something to hurt his feelings, you'll never hear the end of it, wanting you to apologize over, and over and again. Soon, it seems if as if you're saying the wrong thing all the time, making him feel bad.  However, if he says something to hurt your feelings, he says, "it's no big deal. get over it".  Soon, he'll blame you for everything wrong in his life and out of sight of others, becomes mean or intimidating.  In fact, he finds joy in trying to get inside your head and wants you to feel joy that he's not like all those other men who are abusive.

The Player - is normally exceptionally attractive, and may be a bad boy.  At face value, he may be the man we read about in a romance novel and fall madly in love with.  When you and he first connect, he makes you feel like the most special woman in the world and feel grateful to know him.  As time goes on, however, you notice that his eyes start to wander while you're out in public and he is blatantly disrespectful as he flirts with other women.  Rumors start to get back to you that he is interacting with women using inappropriate sexual conversations, asking them out to lunch or outright cheating. 

Because he plays each woman against the other, they end up hating each other rather than him.  His flirting and cheating allow him to get away with other types of mistreatment such as lying, callous treatment and verbal put downs, particularly when he is caught.  Beware of the gaslighting.

The Rambo - aggressive with everyone, this man intimidates,creating fear and definitely has no patience for weakness.  He doesn't believe in compassion and can be extremely abusive both verbally and physically. However, during the beginning of the relationship he appears to be caring and protective, making most women swoon.  This doesn't last because he really has no respect for women in general.  His job is to keep you in line.

The Victim - this man is very self-centered and believes that everyone should feel sorry for all the things he has been through.  Every relationship he's been in, he's been abused and taken advantage of.  He is treated unfairly at work, by friends he trusted and even you.  You have abused him so badly that he has to give it back to you so you know how it feels. In his mind he has been hurt so badly that he should get away with anything including the abuse.

The Terrorist - is very controlling and demanding, often threatening and enjoying his ability to cause pain.  Seeing you in fear brings him joy. You can't have any independence, and he will use many tactics to stop you from leaving.  Living with this type of man is extremely traumatic and dangerous, as you live in constant fear of your safety. If you do get away, this man may be likely to stalk you.

No matter who you live with, there is never a reason to be abused, and it's definitely NOT your fault.  Abuse is about the constant need to control and manipulate another person and if you're thinking the behavior will change, it may never happen.

Your abuser will gaslight you until you question your own sanity.  He or she will lie to everyone about you, making it difficult for you to tell your story.  But never forget - the truth will always be the truth, even when no one believes you.

Call The National Domestic Violence Hotline  1−800−799−7233 or visit https://www.domesticshelters.org/

International Help - Call 1-800-737-732 or visit  https://www.1800respect.org.au

International Help - Call 0808 2000 247 or visit http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

South Africa - Call 0800-150-150, or visit http://lifelinesa.co.za/

Assaulted Women's Hotline:  Offers help 24/7 in over 200 languages. Visit http://www.awhl.org or Call 1-866-863-0511