NARCISSISM AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder generally believe that the world revolves around them. This condition is characterized by a lack of ability to empathize with others and a desire to keep the focus on themselves at all times.

Whenever possible, the narcissist wants you to doubt your own value. The best defense against this type of person is to appreciate your own self-worth refusing to buy into their need to dismiss and belittle you and your needs; however, this is easier than it sounds, particularly when in an abusive relationship.  The need of the abuser to control, is how our self-esteem begins to corrode.

People who are narcissistic are frequently described in society as cocky, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. Narcissists may concentrate on unlikely personal outcomes (e.g., fame) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment. There are actually related Personality Disorders which include Antisocial , Borderline, and Histrionic behaviors. Actual narcissism is a less extreme version of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but still dangerous.  Narcissism involves cockiness, manipulative behavior, selfishness, power motives, and vanity, actually loving mirrors.-a love of mirrors. 

Psychologist Stephen Johnson brilliants writes about the narcissist who has “buried his true self-expression in response to early injuries and replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory false self.” This alternate persona to the real self often comes across as grandiose, “above others,” self-absorbed, or highly conceited. 

How do you know that you may be involved with someone who has this condition?  While each of us may exhibit some of these traits throughout our lives, a narcissist displays this behavior consistently. He gives detailed information to help you with 10 examples.

1. Conversation Hoarder – The narcissist loves to talk about him or herself, and fails to give you a chance to take part in the conversation. You struggle to have your views and feelings heard, and when you do get a word in, if it’s not in agreement with you are very likely to be ignored or totally dismissed as if your views have no value.

2. Conversation Interrupter – While some people get excited throughout a conversation and interrupt to be heard, the narcissist will interrupt so the focus goes back to him/herself, paying little attention to you.  

3. Rule Breaker – The narcissist enjoys getting away with violating rules and social norms, such as cutting in line, cheating, chronic under-tipping, stealing from stores or others, breaking appointments, or paying no attention to traffic rules.  In fact, rules rarely apply when it comes to their way of thinking.

4. Boundary Violator – Shows wanton disregard for other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, and physical space. Will use others without any thought to sensitivity. Has a tendency to borrow things and refusing to return to them.  This person breaks promises consistently, and may lie about making the promise to begin with. Has no remorse in most instances and will blame you for feeling disrespected.

5. False Image Projection – Many narcissists like to do things to impress others by making themselves look good externally. This “trophy” complex can exhibit itself physically, romantically, sexually, socially, religiously, financially, materially, professionally, academically, or culturally. In these situations, the narcissist uses people, objects, status, and/or accomplishments to represent the self, substituting for the perceived, inadequate “real” self. in many instances, they will spend money on others that they don't have to look important.These grandstanding “merit badges” are often exaggerated. The underlying message of this type of display is: “I’m better than you!” or “Look at how special I am – I’m worthy of everyone’s love, admiration, and acceptance!”

6. Entitlement – Narcissists often expect preferential and special treatment from others, no matter what. They expect others to cater right to their needs, without being considerate in return. This is very evident in gender abuse, believing that a woman must stay in her place.  As far as they are concerned, the world revolves around them or owes them something.

7. Charmer – Narcissists are extremely charismatic and persuasive. In fact, they are often the life of the party and people enjoy being around them. When they’re interested in you, you feel totally special and wanted. However, once they lose interest in you (most likely after they’ve gotten what they want, or became bored), they may drop you without a second thought or begin cheating on you. A narcissist can be very engaging and sociable, as long as you’re fulfilling what she desires, and giving her all of your attention.

8. Grandiose Personality –  Have a huge sense of self-importance, believing that others cannot live or survive without him, therefore giving them the right to do what they wish during the relationship.

9. Negative Emotions – Many narcissists enjoy spreading and arousing negative emotions to gain attention, feel powerful, and keep you insecure and off-balance. They are easily upset at any real or perceived slights or inattentiveness. They get angry when you disagree with their views, or fail to meet their expectations. They are extremely sensitive to criticism, and typically respond with heated argument (fight) or cold detachment (flight). Ironically, they are quick to judge and don't mind ridiculing and blaming you for everything wrong in their lives. Many narcissists are emotionally abusive making you feel inferior both publicly and privately, and this is considered part of domestic violence. 

10. Manipulation: Use Others as Extension of Self – Making decisions for others to suit one’s own needs. The narcissist may use his or her romantic partner to meet unreasonable self-serving needs, fulfill unrealized dreams, or cover up self-perceived inadequacies and flaws.  Perhaps they've wooed you with grand gestures and expensive gifts, yet now are withholding funds, exhibiting financial abuse to control you.

Another way narcissists manipulate is through guilt, such proclaiming: “I’ve given you so much, and you’re so ungrateful,” or “I’m a victim - you must help me or you’re not a good person.” They take over your emotions, forcing you to make unreasonable sacrifices, including the giving up of yourself.

Those in abusive relationships have seen this type of behavior - the coldness, the cheating, the lies, the degradation, all meant to make you look as if you're the bad guy.  The emotional abuse you feel is real and hurtful.

When you can safely, seek help from a pastor, a friend you can trust, or a domestic violence shelter. Abuse is real if you're married, in a relationship, or simply dating, and is all about controlling the person you are.

Know that people care and want the best for you, always!

Hugs...