Cheating and Violence - Are They A Matched Set?

Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life

What a way to end the year, huh?  This woman who wrote to my friend Chumplady via her Blog, is in fear for her safety after finding out about her cheating husband, who has been violent in the past.  Not only is she dealing with the hurt and pain of his blatant infidelity, she also has to worry if she'll be harmed for actually taking the next step to divorce him and move on. 

People make up many excuses for cheating, none of them valid in my opinion, nor is any act of physical or emotional abuse.  Yet, it continues to happen over and over again with families being torn apart, the increase of divorce, jail time or worse - the death of a daughter, son, cousin, sister, friend or sister.  Why does this type of behavior continue to be prevalent in today's society?  Can it ever be fixed?  Chumplady's Blog is about all things cheating, but inevitably, topics of domestic violence creep into the conversation on occasion.  Read on...

Dear Chump Lady, How do I leave without him getting violent?

December 31, 2014 by Chump Lady

Dear Chump Lady,

How do I tell a (potentially) violent cheater I want a divorce without getting the shit kicked out of me?

My DDay was a few weeks ago, after finding Facebook posts from my husband openly addressing his “girlfriend” and expressing joy at how he took our pre-teen son away for a weekend with the OW and her daughter. (Son knows he’s a douchbag and not doing the right thing — he’s making son lie that we’re divorced.) Also, in his Facebook posts, he thanked OW for taking care of him after surgery at “home” (her house). This was surgery he got thanks to MY employment/insurance. He told me to leave the hospital so his “friends” could visit — didn’t want me there because I had never met them and might cause drama…of course, one of the friends was the OW that he insists is “just a friend.”

I met with a lawyer and am getting ready to file. Problem — he’s been physically violent toward me in the past, although not in the last four years or so. He did punch some walls in our home and called me the “c-word” during a fight a few months ago (in front of our son). The lawyer I talked to has a rep as a pitbull and knows her shit. But when I told her none of the violent incidents in the past had been reported, she didn’t have a lot to offer, other than “call 911 if he gets violent.”

I can’t get a restraining order on him because there’s no history of violence on record. A friend suggested I get some pepper spray and a taser and be prepared to use both during the conversation I want to have with him about the divorce. I thought about having someone with me when I have the conversation but what good will that do ultimately? That person won’t be with me 24/7…H could knock the phone, pepper spray, whatever out of my hand if I’m not fast enough and really hurt me.

Any ideas on how to deal with this??