Cheating and Violence - Are They A Matched Set?

Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life

What a way to end the year, huh?  This woman who wrote to my friend Chumplady via her Blog, is in fear for her safety after finding out about her cheating husband, who has been violent in the past.  Not only is she dealing with the hurt and pain of his blatant infidelity, she also has to worry if she'll be harmed for actually taking the next step to divorce him and move on. 

People make up many excuses for cheating, none of them valid in my opinion, nor is any act of physical or emotional abuse.  Yet, it continues to happen over and over again with families being torn apart, the increase of divorce, jail time or worse - the death of a daughter, son, cousin, sister, friend or sister.  Why does this type of behavior continue to be prevalent in today's society?  Can it ever be fixed?  Chumplady's Blog is about all things cheating, but inevitably, topics of domestic violence creep into the conversation on occasion.  Read on...

Dear Chump Lady, How do I leave without him getting violent?

December 31, 2014 by Chump Lady

Dear Chump Lady,

How do I tell a (potentially) violent cheater I want a divorce without getting the shit kicked out of me?

My DDay was a few weeks ago, after finding Facebook posts from my husband openly addressing his “girlfriend” and expressing joy at how he took our pre-teen son away for a weekend with the OW and her daughter. (Son knows he’s a douchbag and not doing the right thing — he’s making son lie that we’re divorced.) Also, in his Facebook posts, he thanked OW for taking care of him after surgery at “home” (her house). This was surgery he got thanks to MY employment/insurance. He told me to leave the hospital so his “friends” could visit — didn’t want me there because I had never met them and might cause drama…of course, one of the friends was the OW that he insists is “just a friend.”

I met with a lawyer and am getting ready to file. Problem — he’s been physically violent toward me in the past, although not in the last four years or so. He did punch some walls in our home and called me the “c-word” during a fight a few months ago (in front of our son). The lawyer I talked to has a rep as a pitbull and knows her shit. But when I told her none of the violent incidents in the past had been reported, she didn’t have a lot to offer, other than “call 911 if he gets violent.”

I can’t get a restraining order on him because there’s no history of violence on record. A friend suggested I get some pepper spray and a taser and be prepared to use both during the conversation I want to have with him about the divorce. I thought about having someone with me when I have the conversation but what good will that do ultimately? That person won’t be with me 24/7…H could knock the phone, pepper spray, whatever out of my hand if I’m not fast enough and really hurt me.

Any ideas on how to deal with this??

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Share The Gift Of Sharing This Winter

DonationTown.org offers the best listing of charities throughout the country that will come to your home and pick up donations for FREE.  This is the perfect opportunity to give gloves, scarves, coats, furniture, books and more to those in need this winter.

Hannahssocks.org - provides new socks to those in homeless and domestic violence shelters in Ohio and Michigan. Many people have nothing but the clothing on their back when they arrive to a shelter and need these warm items desperately. 

Empowermentplan.org helps the homeless in the Detroit area to get jobs as seamstresses who sew coats which can also be transformed into sleeping bags for those who are without shelter.

Your kindness can make a difference in changing someone's life.

Hugs...

HAPPY NEW YEAR & Resolutions

Every year we make resolutions or set goals to do something different, and it starts out well.  But after a month or so, we lose our drive, sometimes going right back to the thing we so desperately wished to change.

Typically mine has been to lose weight, but this year I'm staying on the path of kindness, doing for others and remaining thankful.  Oh, and I plan to check out lots of Blogs. All things I'm supposed to be able to do easily.  Let's be honest, I'm no real fan of exercise and my cheeseburgers are hard to give up. (lol)

Through my journey in 2014, I met some amazing people:  Tawania, Anna, Sophia, Sharonda, Red and Kimberly - all  Bloggers who have the same interests in books, humor, television, topics or recipes. People that we wish we could meet all the time in person.  Many of the things they shared via their Blogs were phenomenal, thought-provoking and laugh out loud funny. Some are so busy, that I have no idea how in the world they manage to stay connected with so many people, and with such good will. They have no idea how much their support via Social Media has meant to me, so I'm giving them HUGE Hugs of gratitude.  Their success keeps me humble.

The authors I've been able to connect with have been kind enough to grant interviews and share parts of their lives with us via Facebook, Tsu, Twitter or Instagram. In some instances Social Media can be a double edged sword, but every author I've met is strong-willed talented, funny  and caring, allowing us glimpses into their lives to remind us they are humans who just happen to be writers. We get to experience vacations, births, marriages and other activities on a daily basis, which is fun. Two (Richard and Catherine) lost their partners of many beloved years and I cried with them, praying that each day will get easier as they cope with the emptiness and pain.

After not being in contact for over 20 years, it was totally fabulous to meet up with a high school friend who hated French Fries and was a phenomenal artist.  Art was an elective we HAD to take so most of the people in the class had zero artistic ability, and I was one of them.  To this day, I have no clue how I even passed that class.  Eva, on the other hand could look at anything and draw it perfectly within minutes, while we scratched our head in wonder.  Her sister was just as amazing.  I appreciate her coming over to visit once in a while with comments and laughter to let me know she's still doing ok.

Raymond and Bill have been my friends for over 25 years, laughing at and with me, giving it to me straight, and never trying to be anything other than friends. Some of the crazy things we did as kids would have you laughing with glee. I only hate that they never got that no matter wherever we went 2-3 books had to travel along for the ride.  We were the kids who played practical jokes at work, were experts on adult movies, ordered pizza to be delivered to someone else's house before the age of caller ID, travelled from state to state to club hop or hang out with radio personalities. Ironically, I'm not sure that they even like each other, but they sure do love me like a sister and that's what's so cool!

Rhonda has also been a friend for over 20+ years, and even though we may not speak for months, we manage to catch up like it was yesterday once we get together.  With her quirky sense of humor I love hearing her tell stories about like in general and she's a great chef.  She knows I hate to have my picture taken and will literally take a ton of them , then crop and crop until we find just one that can shared with the masses.  Not many friends are willing to have that kind of patience.

Kelly and Bill - wow!  Had it not been for them this past whirlwind year, I don't know where I would be right now, but their love was steady and unconditional, despite my weirdness. (lol)

My parents are deceased and my brother lives in another state, so we don't get to spend as much time together as we'd like to, but he's always been my rock when I needed it. Finally, my son will be 30 in a few days.  I remember when I was 17, we thought anyone over 25 was "old", but clearly that's not the case.  My son, who shall remain nameless to stop him from blowing up my phone with texts, (lol) has a wonderful life with a family of his own, and in spite of me and my many issues, has turned out well.

I don't know what will happen in 2015, I just hope it will be filled with wonder and laughter.  I wish you and your families lots of joy and the desires of your heart as you head into a new year.

Hugs...