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The people I run into or hear about on a daily basis never cease to shock me, and I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.
My friend *Amy recently moved and told me about her new neighbor *Jane, who lived next door. Jane was friendly, talkative and super eager to help my friend take some things into the house. Now Amy is nice, but until she gets to know someone, she can appear to be standoffish. She displays that demeanor because she is very shy. Meanwhile, Jane frequently reached out to Amy by asking her over to visit, or to offer her food. Jane always made these gestures of kindness when her husband wasn't around. Needless to say my friend really didn't want to be bothered.
A few days later while Amy walked to her car, she heard this: Shut the ***k up. I don't care about your ******g mother, and get your ass back in the house. You've probably already guessed that the man (I use the term lightly) speaking was Jane's husband. 
Have you ever had something like this happen while you were at a family gathering, a company function, or in your neighborhood. Do you just keep your mouth shut and say nothing, or will this guy be on your hit list? Do you get involved in a subtle way? How do you handle one good neighbor and one bad neighbor in the same house when you live right next door?
*Not real names
I never keep my mouth shut and that sometimes gets me in trouble. My brother called the police on our dad when he saw him kick our step mother. A few years ago I saw a guy hitting his pregnant girlfriend. So I called the police and Ken and I both gave voluntary statements. We were subpoenaed and testified again the guy who got 3 months in jail. But she went right back to him when he got out.
ReplyDeleteIt is rough, because no one wants to see someone mistreated. Sadly, a woman will go back because she may become homeless, is afraid, or thinks things will change. This can occur as much as 7 times before the vicious cycle ends. Your brother was right on target to protect your step mom, who may not have had the courage to seek help. I remember that time you called the police and know it was a nightmare for you both. He got some time on his record so authorities can see a pattern. Hugs...
DeleteIt's SO tough...because you really can't win. Of course, if I knew physical abuse was happening in that moment, I'd for sure call police, but that can still ruffle feathers, especially if the officer doesn't keep the person who called anonymous. If you try to stand up to the abuser or reason with the spouse, you're not going to get far. All you can really do is say, "If you ever need help, I'm here. I can get you to safety. Just remember that." You don't even have to wait for a response--just let her know that you're there to help. (And learn as much as possible about the nearest women's shelter in case she shows up at your doorstep in the middle of the night one night! Your friend's place won't be a safe place for the abused to hide...she'd need to get her somewhere where she was protected.)
ReplyDeleteYou're right, Steph. This situation is a tough one, and remaining in stealth mode while reporting it can be rough. I think letting a person know that you are there to offer support can be awesome, even if it doesn't get recognized until the 7th time. Saftey for all is key, so I definitely agree. Hugs...
DeleteHave you seen that show (I think it was on Fox..??) where they do a kind of "what would you do" scenario.. and one was neighbors being abused. It is CREEPY how many people stay silent in the face of human rights abuses.. :-( - http://www.domesticgeekgirl.com
ReplyDeleteI used to watch that show all the time, but this show in particular I missed. You're so right, Gingi. The silence is deafening. Human Trafficking, Child Abuse, Domestic Violence, Rape... Crazy!
DeleteI'm another one that can't keep my mouth shut. We had a similar situation with our next door neighbors, and whenever I heard him speaking to her that way, I went over and invited her to my house for coffee. They eventually got divorced, thank goodness, and she and I have become good friends.
ReplyDeleteOMG Lana! That was so kind of you to do! Thank goodness they eventually ended the relationship, and that you maintained the friendship. Awesome! Hugs...
DeleteThis post, and everything you've said, is so important. Thanks for sharing, and keeping the issue on the forefront.
ReplyDeleteThanks Angela! As always I appreciate your consistent support! Hugs...
Deletethanks for the shout out, though now that I look at it again, the pink background somehow stands out a lot, perhaps a slightly lighter shade of pink? I don't know, I find whenever I change my header, I always change the background to suit it. I'm glad that you love the header.
ReplyDeletehave a lovely day.
Thanks to you, I see all the cool possibilities, so that's my goal to work on some things the next few months. Thanks so very much! Hugs...
DeleteI would want to help but that's a slippery slope. I think the only time it will be effective is if Jane is ready and sees her husband for who he is. Some women, sadly, are in denial and go out of their way to justify the abuse. They'd even defend their abuser! So I think it's best to seek a professional's advice about these things.
ReplyDeleteIt can be rough Braine, and it's important for everyone to remain safe. It takes on average 7 times before a victim leaves an abuser, which can be frustrating for those who see what's going on. Women's shelters do specialize in this, and there are a lot of good books on the subject as well. Hug...
DeleteI grew up knowing that two of my aunts married abusers. My parents helped (my dad and his gun kept them safe and us when there was retaliation), but my aunt's both went back time and again while also getting bitter and angry at my folks because my aunt's both defended and excused their abusers.
ReplyDeleteStephanie's advice in her comment is what I learned in training and from my family's experiences. Offer help and have a resource ready if you ever find them ready to accept it.
By the by, I adore your new banner. So warmhearted and whimsical. Lissa does a fab job.
Hey Sophia! Thanks for the kudos on Lissa's work. She's a fantastic artist! I agree with you and Steph. Sometimes there has to be a balance to maintain the safety, and t still let the neighbor know there is support out there. I know it had to be rough with two family members going through this, and to watch it happen again and again. I pray they got out of those relationships and able to start their lives again. Hugs...
DeleteLove the new header!
ReplyDeleteAs for your story, that's awful! I'm glad that she's going to try and help Jane when she can. I haven't had this happen around me but I do think I'd try and subtly be there for the woman - or man, if it's the other way around - so they know they have someone who cares.
-Lauren
Thanks for the kudos Lauren! You're right, I think if you can let him or her know that you are there, it may make world of difference. Hugs...
DeleteThe header turned out great... how cute there is a cheese burger... how awesome of her to help you out xox
ReplyDeleteAs for the abusive neighbor of your friend, I really hope Jane gets the strength to leave, it's not good situation and it won't get better... it's really sad. I think your friend being there for her is good. I have been in this situation but I talked about it with everyone who would listen, I was glad I was able to find a way to leave. There was a women I knew that was mouse like, I let him know that I was aware without actually saying it... she finally found the strength to leave and move across the country, thankfully xox
I still can't believe I won it, and that she has been so kind to work on such a great design! Leaving an abusive relationship can involve so many layers, and it can take longer for some than others. I believe there is an epiphany moment that allows the person to finally gain the strength to leave. Praise God to your friend! I know you've been super busy, so I'm thrilled you could stop by. Continue to hang in there! Hugs...
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