I read an article this morning and felt saddened by what it said, yet what bothered me more than anything were the items #3 & #5. The thought of a person who professes to be in love, yet expresses contempt and disrespect towards another human being is the ultimate example of emotional abuse, cruelty and gaslighting.
It's bad enough that the spouse is cheating, but to refuse to admit the truth and to treat his or her spouse with disdain is horrific, yet it happens every single day.
The tears I've seen shed, the conversations people have shared with me, the anguish and humiliation felt by so many people hurts me inside.
Take a look at this article written by former lay enforcement investigator and lie detector expert, Janine Driver as she points out simple ways to spot deception, then read some of the comments and responses to the article. The information specifically addresses men as liars, however, it's really applicable for men and women, equally.
5 WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR SPOUSE IS LYING
Photo: Imagezoo/ Getty Images
1. He Sounds a Little Funny
Liars are sometimes called "fast talkers," but the speed of their speech varies as much as an honest person's within a conversation. Yet liars will alter their speech rates within a single sentence. Typically a liar might begin to speak slowly, because he's trying to figure out his lie—but once it comes into his head, he tries to spit it out as fast as possible.
Pace isn't the only speech pattern that can trip up a deceiver. Research has shown that a person's vocal tone will waver from baseline in up to 95 percent of all deceptive statements. If your partner's baritone is on the rise, you may be facing a fib.
2. He Slips a Verbal Clue
Remembering the truth about what happened Saturday and the story he wants you to believe is a big mental burden. Many liars will buckle under the strain and make a verbal faux pas, like start-stop sentences ("There are many that I didn't—I hardly had any contact with her."), using past and present tenses in the same story or repeating your question rather than answering it.
Even if he doesn't stumble, his sentences could signal deception: Studies have shown that liars tend to drop pronouns from their speech, as a way to verbally distance themselves from the lie. "I got up this morning, I called my mother, went to work, grabbed a bite with Jim." The person used two pronouns up front and then dropped them afterward—why? There may be more to his story than he's letting on.
3. His Face Flashes Contempt
Nearly 50 years ago, a researcher discovered that all humans share seven microexpressions—universal ways that emotions are hard-wired to flash across our faces. Whether you're male or female, black or white, young or old, if you're surprised, you make the same fleeting expression. These micro expressions are impossible to fake—which makes spotting one, the closest thing we have to mind reading.
Contempt—a feeling of moral superiority and disrespect—is one of the most dangerous micro expressions for a relationship: Contempt shows up as a half-smile smirk, with only one side of the mouth raised. It signals, "I've justified my lie. I'm getting away with it. You're a fool." Researchers can see contempt on chronic cheaters who think they're too smart to get caught.
4. His Body Is Trying to Run and Hide
Unless someone is incredibly savvy in body language, you can tell where he wants to be in a conversation. People align their belly buttons with the objects of their interest. If he started the conversation with his navel pointed straight at you, and now his body is twisted toward the door, he is aching to leave—that could indicate a hot spot for deception.
When a liar is faced with questions he doesn't want to answer, he may unwittingly cover his eyes, mouth or entire face with his hand, arm or a pair of sunglasses in a subconscious attempt to disappear. Pinocchios may start to squint, as if trying to block you from seeing the truth. Just be sure to put body-blocking behavior in perspective—your husband's baseball cap pulled down low isn't a red flag if he wears it every day.
5. He Makes You Feel Off-Balance
Practiced liars are uniquely able to distort reality and make us feel like the floor is shifting underneath us, that something odd is afoot, but we just can't put our finger on it. He may spout false information with such conviction that it makes you start to question your own recollections. This particular type of manipulation is called "gaslighting." Standard gaslighter lines include, "I never said that—stop making things up," "How come you are always accusing me of horrible things?" and "What is wrong with you? You are so paranoid." If you get to the end of a conversation and wonder, "Hey, wait a second, what just happened?"—remember that as a generally trusting person, you are a great gauge of dishonesty. Give yourself permission to follow those whiffs of suspicion and to investigate further.
Fourteen years ago my wasband (I don't like the word ex-husband) had a 3-year affair with someone in his office. I tried everything to make him give that affair up, but in the end he couldn't or wouldn't. I was devastated. To make a long story short, I started a support group of my own called RADiCAL (Rising Above Divorce In Confidence And Love) which led to a book, which led to Divorce Recovery Bootcamps for Women, which led to 10-week support groups. I see these same sad stories every day .... with women (especially midlife women) trying to figure out what went wrong, how they could have made things different, etc. Etc. I have developed several programs that will help any woman who finds herself in this situation do the grieving she needs to do and then figure out what she wants in her life now. We only have this one life. We must grieve the loss of our marriage, but then, we must face forward and start creating a life that can be better than we can imagine at the first of this trip. Visit midlifedivorcerecovery.com to get your life back. The more time you try to figure out why he did what he did, the less time you have to build a great life for yourself.
I just recently found out that my husband, age 43, has been cheating on me for years with a 26 year old woman. She turned 26 in June of this year. He had been cheating for years, so he must have started the affair with her around age 22 or 23. My daughter will be 20 years old soon. I would hate for her to have an affair with a man thats twice her age. He lied to my face and said that he was not having an affair again. I found out through his chat with this woman. He has been giving her and her 5 year old daughter money for years. Paying for her spa treatments, massages, nails, hair, clothes, shoes, utilities, etc and her daughter's childcare. I moved with my husband because he is in the military. I quit my job to move to a another state with him. I don't have money to give away to anyone because I'm unemployed. My husband complained about money so much that I stopped eating out, buying clothes, getting my nails and hair done (I did them myself at home) to help save money. When I found out about the affair, I was devastated because we have been married for 20 years. I had no idea, but I knew something was going on because he became increasing hostile and angry with me. He became very distant and stopped talking to me. He would not look at me and when I tried to talk to him, he would walk away. I begged him to tell me what was wrong with us and he said, "I'm tired of this and I don't want to do this anymore." I asked what do you mean, "this" our marriage and he said yes. I was blown away. I knew there was more, most women know the truth. I prayed and asked God to reveal to me what was happening to my marriage. Thats when I checked his chat and found out he had been cheating with a 26 year old for years. He had been flying back and forth to see her and I was none the wiser.
After finding the chat, I asked him questions and he LIED to my FACE. Finally, I told him I say the chat and copied it, then he broke down and confessed. However, he is still LYING to this day because he is still texting this woman.
I'm so done with this LYING MAN! ONCE A CHEAT, ALWAYS A CHEAT!
Lol, now this 26 year old is threatening him and his career if he doesn't do what she wants. Good Luck CHEATER!
Jeez, I see this at my dining room table all of the time, only it's my older brother and everyone knows that he is full-of-it, but these physical signs really do exist in him, wow.
OMG!! Even on this site! Waver not waiver.
I was married 36 years to a man who attended church and led groups. He had an affair with a co-worker twenty years younger. He became very critical of me as if to justify himself. His personality really changed, but when he lied to me he would always smile. I suspected his deception immediately, however whenever I tried to confront it he refused to talk. Finally I refused to tolerate it any longer and he confessed, He wanted to be with her, so now he is and we are divorced. It was quite a 60th birthday present!!!
#6 - His lips are moving
My husband would look me straight in the eye and not even flinch. And he always lied about the littlest things as well. He was skilled I would have to say at the least, but it was a way of life for him. His dad was a cheater and my husband as a teenager had caught him many times and was told to lie to his mom about what he saw. So he was a pathological liar in training. By the time I had met him, he was perfectly skilled. The problem was he actually believed what he was telling me. Then after a couple of years passed and it changed to that he believed he was protecting me from the dreadful truth. I would say so because he just would lie to buy himself more time to make up an even bigger lie. There was no way around it. I actually studied him for a psychology class I was taking. He didn't know how to tell the truth.
The simple truth was that in every other way he treated me like a queen, (guilt complex most likely) and he was good to my boys. Never lied to them or broke his promises to them. I was teaching my boys that it was never ok to lie to anyone. Telling the truth was easy once done it was over. A lie took so much energy and time because of the stress it put you under having to remember what you said and then think to build another lie on top of that would be exhausting.
My husband exhausted me. I got tired of trying, worrying, and making things right after the lies caused such heartache and financial loss. I couldn't take anymore, and I was working 10 hours day in my office as a manager and training new people. Coming home was tiring except to see my boys. Making dinner, and doing the usual household chores, I finally got to bed around 1;30 am. I thought why should I be putting myself through all this? My heart ached, my body ached, and my I started getting migraines. I left. He was at work, came home for lunch and saw me boxing things up, I LIED and told him that I was packing away things I don't use. I LIED and told him we all could go out to a ;movie when he got home and have dinner out, make it a nice quiet evening. When he left for work I took my boys and left him. He called me later upset, no dinner, no movie, no nothing. What was going on? I told him simply that I LIED and left because he lied.
I guess it struck a nerve, eventually he went to therapy, I went about my business alone and loving the serenity when I got home.
After 4 years of therapy, both of us, we are back together. But the trust is gone. I know your not supposed to have a good marriage without it. But I just don't trust him anymore and I probably never will. But after 35 years I don't care. I love him, but I am not in love with him. It is as it is. He still treats me like a queen, brings me coffee in the mornings on the weekends or when he is off from work. Makes breakfast on Sundays. Would do anything I ask. I really never ask for anything, rarely do I ask him anything at all. But now I trust issues. And it is as it is. I am 61 now and disabled and this is my life.
I've been both the liar and the lied to, and I've become pretty skilled and catching a liar. A skilled liar is really good at deflecting the subject to something else that they know you'll be interested in. A not as good liar will often swallow in the middle if their explanation. They don't want to look you in the eyes, but they can force them self to, however it won't feel natural to either person (they'll look you in the eye but then tighten their mouth more to compensate). When sitting down they tend to cross their legs and angle them away.
The key is that it's not natural or normal. If someone already crosses their legs a lot and it looks or feels natural, they maybe aren't lying.
And yes, overall women are much better liars than men. I can spot dudes lies from a mile away. Women tend to be more subtle, but not always.
As a recommendation, I made a pledge to myself to live an honest life. Lies, no matter how small, aren't worth it in the long run. By lies I mean being deceitful. Pledge to live an honest transparent life and you'll enjoy life a lot more.
#4. He'd pick up a newspaper, put it in front of his face (not opening or reading it, hiding his face...seriously), and said he was listening to me. So, all 5 of these, and more. Which is why I DTMFA many years ago. Being
It is sad, I have been blessed and cannot imagine the betrayal these women must feel.ReplyDelete
Hey Kim: You are so right. I've read these and was horrified, but have spoken with people personally who have been through traumatic abuse. Love to hear about real life romance and happiness, and kudos to you and your family! Hugs...Delete
I know many ways to keep track of correspondence in sms, call... And one of them is http://copy9.com/catch-cheating-spouses-with-copy9/ . So I installed this application on a sister's smartphone. It's convenient and allows to watch her and her activities outside the home.ReplyDelete
If you know you not ready for a relationship why get into one and still cheat and liar. I was dying inside for my cheating wife, i had no prove, no one to run to. Everyone thought i was paranoid. until i was referred to a Private Investigator Mr James . I told him about my situation and He understood me well and helped me spy on my wifes iphone.He hacked her Gmail and Facebook account and linked all her WhatsApp and phone conversation to me, to find out the truth.I saw all the evidence and i was heart Broken,I just want to openly say thank you Mr James for helping me get evidence against her,i feel so hurt. If you need help please contact him (Worldcyberhackers@gmail.com) via email.ReplyDelete
My wife was so smooth at hiding her infidelity and I had no proof for months, I was referred to a Private investigator and decided to give him a try.. the result was incredible because all my cheating wife’s text messages, whatsapp, facebook and even phone calls conversations was linked directly to my cellphone. (email@example.com) Mr James helped me put a round-the-clock monitoring on her and I got concrete evidence and gave it to my lawyer..if your wife is an expert at hiding his cheating adventures contact him. thank youReplyDelete